ptsd – brownkiesha

dear post traumatic stress disorder

you really are my worst supporter

so good at making me feel ashamed

you tell me i should have been the one who got blamed

daily flashbacks of the trauma

daily flashbacks of the torture

and even though i have aged

you make sure the memories remain

thank you for changing my perspective of how i see the world with my eyes

thank you for always reminding me of how one day changed my whole life

you printed the stains on me forever

why do you not want me to just get better?

because of you no amount of therapy sessions will ever give me enough strength to scrub myself clean

to erase all of the traces, trauma and flashbacks of what happened to me as a teen

dear ptsd

why do you love me?

playing russian roulette with ptsd anxiety and depression

which will i feel today is the question

will i get a blast from the past?

be reminded of all those times i got harassed?

is it time to flashback the torture?

is it time to flashback the trauma?

or will anxiety take the centre stage?

will she make me feel unwelcome and strange?

will i be treated to a breeze of knee shaking?

will she trap me so there is no escaping?

maybe depression will come out to play?

will she force me to stay in today?

is she going to keep me in my bed chained?

will she convince me even though it is sunny it had rained?

perhaps i am lucky and they will all keep me company at the same time

treated like a prisoner for an unknown crime

i feel so special to be loved this much

i pull the trigger to test my luck