depression

save me, doctor

everyone always says “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”

but what can i take for my depression to make a disappearance?

and what will it take for my happiness to make a reappearance?

i have tried everything from writing diaries to walking up hills

because still the doctor does not think i am ready for the pills

instead he gives me a list of the risks

ignoring that my mental health exists

but he cannot see that there is a gun currently aimed at my head

one more bad day and i will probably be shot dead

he cannot hear the voices

whispering in my ear to make the bad choices

down on my knees begging “why will you not help me?”

he carries the power to set me free

HeLp Me

in my own body i am a hostage forever

will i ever be free? “never”

i have lost all of my control

there is a girl inside of me playing my role

you cannot see. but she is currently holding a gun to my head

if i do something wrong “i will shoot you dead”

always awake. she never sleeps

she is my voice who speaks

i tried to fight her back

but she just attacked

she tells me to shut up and sit quietly

her name is “anxiety”

i thought she was only visiting me like a holiday in the city

but she moved into me. she is not very pretty

so until she makes a sudden disappearance

my job for now is only the appearance

she granted me a pen so this poem i could write

to convince you i am crazy and not alright

my best friend forever

hello my best friend depression

are you here to spread through me quicker than an infection?

i wonder what you have planned for us today

what game are we about to play?

going to trick me so i am in my bed chained?

convince me even though there is sun it has rained?

forget to water me? i am a flower

this is the tenth day you will not let me have a shower

will you get me so upset

and then hide my cigarettes?

will you ask me to paint my future on a blank canvas?

then ruin it with your splashes of blackness?

will you tell me to forget about all my hopes and dreams?

will you make my mood swings drift from bad to extreme?

i still do not know how you are still my friend

i guess it is because of all the time together we spend

you make me feel so low

but from a baby to now you watched me grow

and at the end of the day you are the only one i can rely on

guardian angel

living is becoming too painful

i hate to say but i have let down my guardian angel

she just tried to give me the hope i needed

prayed i would never give in and be defeated

on my darkest days i hear her whisper

on my loneliest nights she is the best listener

constantly she is setting me free

showing me the good in the bad i was too oblivious to ever see

rescued me when i was trapped

whenever i did her proud she was the first one that clapped

she was and always will be my biggest fan

she wrote out my life plan

in my heart she will always be living

i hope when we meet she will be forgiving

russian roulette

playing russian roulette with ptsd anxiety and depression

which will i feel today is the question

will i get a blast from the past?

be reminded of all those times i got harassed?

is it time to flashback the torture?

is it time to flashback the trauma?

or will anxiety take the centre stage?

will she make me feel unwelcome and strange?

will i be treated to a breeze of knee shaking?

will she trap me so there is no escaping?

maybe depression will come out to play?

will she force me to stay in today?

is she going to keep me in my bed chained?

will she convince me even though it is sunny it had rained?

perhaps i am lucky and they will all keep me company at the same time

treated like a prisoner for an unknown crime

i feel so special to be loved this much

i pull the trigger to test my luck

and when sleep abandoned me so did my dreams

mood swings started going from bad to extreme

my motivation drifted out of my window along with the smoke from a cigarette

sometimes i even had to get high so my body could forget

to disremember this overwhelming feeling of sadness

i tried to paint my future but the outcome was always a blank canvas

needed watering like i was a flower

i went ten days without a shower

to my bed i had been chained

it was summer but i stayed indoors like it had rained

this is how depression feels

my happiness she steals

and every time i thought i’d got rid of her

and every time i thought i was about to recover

she reminds me that i couldn’t kill her even if i tried to

she reminds me that the only way i could have got rid of her is if i died too